The Party you are trying to reach

This morning.

Me, knocking on the bathroom door,"Who's in there?"
From behind me, Collin, "Connor's in there."
Me, "Connor?  Hurry up."
From the other side of the bathroom door,"Beep.  Connor is currently unavailable at the moment. If you would please leave a message he'll get back to you."

Fire Water

We have a small outdoor fire pit.  And tonight was the first fire of the season.  It was me and the boys sitting around after dinner watching the last log turn to embers when I said it was time to go inside. The boys wanted to put it out because they were worried about catching the house on fire.  I assured them that it was too far away and too low and besides we didn't have any water nearby to pour on it, what did they want to do? Pee on it? Never ask a sarcastic question.  They all wanted to pee on the fire.

Me,"No it stinks, why would you want to do that?"
Ian,"I've been holding it so I could."
Me, "What?!?"
Ian,"Sure it would be cool."
Me,"Fine. Go ahead, but I am warning you now that it smells God awful"

So Ian unzips, Connor & Collin start to as well.

Me" Wait, hold on, what do you two think you're doing?"
"We want to too"
"You'd have to stand to close to hit it. No"
Ian,"Yeah, back up and don't look."
Me," If you are going to out here, they can look."

Ian is all ready to go and let's fly.  Smoke everywhere.  It smells like somebody burned down the outhouse.  We have some rose bush branches that were clipped earlier, so I throw those on with some leaves to kill the smell.

The boys are laughing like crazy.  I'm cussing about the stink and tell them that noboby else is peeing on the fire.  Collin is almost dancing, "Please Daddy?"

"Fine, whatever.  How much can there be?  Just stand back."

So, Collin unzips, aims, and pees right over the top of the fire pit on to Ian's leg.  Ian just stood there stunned for a second then says," Oh my God! He's peeing on me!"  He's not moving and Collin's not readjusting the flow.  Then Ian starts dancing out of the way.  Collin is laughing so hard he's peeing everywhere.  None of it on the fire pit.

Ian" Ew! Gross!  My leg is wet!"

I am surprised I didn't pass out from laughing so hard.

What dreams may come

From my *11 yr old* philosopher/ insomniac:
Mom, where do you think we go when we sleep? Do our minds jump into our future awake self do you think? Or do we float around in another universe?

Square Roots

Collin, "The square root of evil is. . . "
Me, "Money."
Ian, "Religion."
Connor, " Me and Collin."

Collin, "The square root of Connor, Ian and Me?"
We all shake our heads, don't know.
Collin," Mom and Dad!"

The Years May Come, The Years May Go

Connor,"The years may pass Mom, but they can't effect you."

Meg," Charmer."

Connor,"More like kiss up."

Not Again

On the way back from the mall, Ian and Connor were eating cherry slushies.  They started putting there hands on the other ones neck or arms because their hands were so cold.  Ian touched my neck while I was singing along with the radio and I went to a falsetto.  They all laughed and I said to Ian,"You know if you spilled that on your lap you'd be singing falsetto for a while." Ian,"Things are shrinking just thinking about it." Me,"An hour from now you'll be saying come on out boys it's okay, it's gone"  Ian,"It's hell when they drop for a second time.  Here it comes Puberty Two!"

A Moment of Reflection

I know I usually post funny conversations here, but I wanted to take a moment just to talk about my boys.  I can't begin to say how proud I am of them and how much I love them.  They aren't the best in school, the recent graduations and recognition ceremonies brought that home clearly.  But I didn't care.  I was just proud to see them up there with their classes, and I know how hard they work at their studies.  I also know that every single teacher tells me how helpful they are, how caring, and what a joy it is to have them in their class.  They may not make straight As, but they have depth of character.  I tell them I love them everyday.  I hug them everyday.  And I usually yell at them for something everyday - mostly about cat litter, food, water, and generally cleaning up the pigsties they call their rooms.  Anyway, have a great weekend and thank you for reading.

Bruce Lee Vs. Chuck Norris

Watching Bruce Lee kick Chuck Norris all over the Roman Coliseum.  "Chuck Norris gained immortality through Bruce Lee's tears."  "Don't worry, he'll rise again after 3 days."  "It is Friday right?"

Money in the Bank

As I was getting money from an ATM...

Connor, "I wish I could do that"

Me,"Well, when you're older and have a job making your own money, you can."

Connor,"I meant use your credit card."

When you're smiling . . . .

Connor's insight for the day:
You know how people always say they're laughing with you? Wouldn't that actually require YOU to be laughing, too?

Girl Problems

Ian was upset because a girl he liked didn't feel the same way and told him so.  He was saying that it seemed to happen all the time. 

Trying to be helpful Dad, "I know this sounds dumb, but like they say in sales - Every no you get, means you are that much closer to a yes.  It's just a numbers game."

Ian," Given my grade in math, this isn't going to be easy."

Funny, But

Connor wanted to use the computer downstairs to play a game.  It's password protected, and has been for some time, much to his dismay.  So I said, "Sure, let me give you the pass code so I don't have to go downstairs."  He perked up all ears.  And I said, "Nah, I'm just kidding."

Connor says,"Getting up people's hopes and then breaking their spirit - funny.  Cruel, but funny."

Alabama v. Georgia

Our pediatrician graduated from the University of Alabama.  I graduated from UGA.  So every time the kids go, and especially when I'm not the one to take them, he always tells them to say "Roll Tide" when they see me.  He finds this funny. 

So yesterday, I took Collin to see him and while I was there, Dr. Murphy asked him what books he liked to read.  Collin said the ones with the stuff in them - he's just learning to read and likes the pop out books.  Then as Dr. Murphy was leaving he said, "Tell Dad, 'Roll Tide'" Collin said, "Go Dogs Go!"  The Doc laughed and left the room.  After he was out, Collin looked at me and said,"What's funny?  He asked me what books I like."  I just hugged him and smiled.

McDonald

Currently McDonald's restaurants are running a commercial featuring Spaceman Stew.

Ian,"Sounds like something an Alien would eat."  "What's for dinner tonight, Mom?"  "Spaceman stew."  "Oh not again!  Tell me it was still in the crunchy shell, I hate them when they're nothing but mush."

Charitable Contributions

Two years ago, we took a different route to school where we passed a church.  This church had a sign in front stating that it was collecting shoes for an African country.  It read:  Kenya Shoe Drop Off.  The first time Ian saw this he said, "Well, yea, if you don't tie it."  Which lead to a long discussion on why people in Africa weren't wearing shoes to begin with - no one had taught them a Granny Knot.

We are not the cats you are looking for.

Today as Ian was going outside to help me shovel the driveway, he noticed that both of our cats were staring at him like they were trying to pull a Jedi Mind Trick.

Robyn Cat:  When you return from the outside young master, you will bring us back a squirrel.

Mojo Cat: Two.

Robyn Cat:  You will bring us TWO squirrels.  And make sure they are alive - they are much more fun that way.  Now go!

Express Mail

When Ian was about 10, and Connor was 5 they were playing in the living room with a leftover box from Christmas.  I was in the kitchen fixing lunch when Ian came in and asked if we had any "Duck" tape. 

Me: Why?

Ian:  I just wanted to tape the box back together.

Me: Be careful with this.

About ten minutes later.

Ian:  Dad, do we have any stamps?

Me:  What do you need stamps for?

Ian:  I want to mail the box.

Me: That would take a lot of stamps, it's a big box.  Out of curiosity, what did you put in it?

Ian:  Nothing.

Me:  (Now in the living room) That's a heavy nothing.  Where's Connor?

(giggles come from inside the box)

Ian:  I was this close.

Oh Crud! The German Army

One evening when we had guests for dinner (John and his fiance-now bride Liz) Connor went into a one man show.  We had been discussing the play, The 39 Steps, and how the actors had switched roles so seamlessly.

Connor stands next to the table and starts:

'I need to hide'  (Connor is looking left, then right as he talks to himself)
'Come in.  Come in.'
'I don't have much time.'
'What have you done?'
'Oh crud!  The German army.  Do you have any secret hiding places?'
'Twenty-seven.'
'Great.'  Connor ducks under the table, then pops back up
'I haven't told you where they are though.'
'That's okay, I'll just go out the window.'

And then he sat back down.
Like the snail said when he was jumped in the alley by a turtle, "I don't know, it all happened so fast."

Jedi Mind Trick

Driving in the van when out of nowhere:

Collin:  Pinocchio was a Jedi.

Me: Was his nose his light saber?

Connor:  When he lied it got bigger.  'I'm not scared of you!' Bwoop.

Collin:  (imitating Pinocchio from Shrek) I'm a real Jedi!

Happy Bday

Yesterday was Connor's 11th Birthday.  We also had 11 inches of snow which closed the schools.  When he woke up and saw all the snow he said, " Well, I must have done something right because God gave me a day off from school for my birthday!"

Say Hello

Connor and Ian were taking out the trash, and I told Collin to get a new trash bag.

Collin," I hate getting a new trash bag."

Me," This is your chore.  Everybody has a chore."

Collin,"I don't want to get a trash bag."

Me," Ian had this chore, then Connor, and now you.  When you get older, you'll be taking out the trash."

Collin, "And then they (pointing to the other two) will be gone, and it will be time to say 'Hello to new children!'"

Pancakes

Ian, "Mom, can I make pancakes? We have a box that Grandma gave us."

Meg, "Sure, if you clean up the kitchen before you start and after you finish."

15 minutes later . . . .

Meg comes in the kitchen and Ian has dumped the entire box in a bowl and guessed at the right amount of water.

She gives him "the Look".

Ian,"What?  I'm hungry."  Eighty pancakes later . . . . .

Mysterious Noises

One Sunday morning after Meg and I had had some "grown up time", she emerged from our room to see Connor and Collin standing in the hallway with golf clubs, broad swords and plastic armor.

Meg, "What in the world are you guys doing?"

Connor, "We heard mysterious noises coming from your room."

Collin, " Yeh, we were getting ready to come save you from the bad guys!"

Here Comes Santa Clause

Connor, "Dad, can you turn on the Santa tracker? I want to see how close Santa is."

Me, "Why? Do you want to set a trap?"

Connor, "No. Maybe. What do you know?"

Driving through High Ridge

Christmas edition. Driving through High Ridge.

Meg, " Bluffs look good from down here, especially with all the ice and snow."

Me, "From the top they're not so bad either. The views nice".

Ian, "It's just your life flashing before your eyes on the way down that gets to you."

Tiger, Tiger

Bedtime.

Connor, "Hey Dad, Robyn(our cat) just greeted me when I crawled into bed with a big yawn."

Ian, "Naw, she was seeing how wide she could open her mouth when she got ready to eat you."

Heartless

Ian,"Last night while we were doing the Wizard of Oz, we didn't know what time it was because the Tin Man broke the clock."

Jocks

Ian,"We live on St Jaques, what was he the saint of?"

Me,"Something French?"

Connor," I'm thinking protective cups. Cups and quarterbacks."

Happy Birthday, Jesus

Ian,"December 8 is a holy day."

Me,"Which one?"

Ian,"The immaculate conception."

Connor,"Wow that was fast!"

Me,"What?"

Connor,"Jesus was born on the 25th!"

Ian,"I guess it really was immaculate."

Christmas Lights

Collin,"Dad, why do people have lights on their houses?"

Connor,"It's the most wonderful time of the year, apparently."

Glass Houses

We were leaving West County Mall admiring the glass office building across the street.

Ian, " If people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, what should they throw?"

Connor,"Sponges?"

Ian," I was thinking parties, but, okay."

Make the Trade!

Collin to Connor while playing Monopoly, "Give me a weenie, I want to slap you."

Career Choices

Connor asked Ian this morning, "which would you rather be a scientist that stares at red rocks all day or one that invents things that never work?". Makes you think.

Bedtime Story

Connor is in the top bunk, Collin is on bottom. Collin," You know Connor, if there is a storm, you are the first one that 's going to get it."

First Love

Collin, the 5 year old, has a crush on Sarah from his kindergarten class.

Collin - "Sometimes she punches me in the face. And sometimes she pushes me to the ground."

Meg - "Why do you like her?"

Collin-"Did you not hear me?"

What goes around

Ian is thinking about getting confirmed. He asked me if I believe in God. I told him that I used to, but, after he and his three brothers, I now believe in Karma.

Trick or Treat

"Trick or treat, smell my feet, give me something good to eat....OR FACE MY WRATH." - Connor.

This Date in History

Dinner conversation. Me,"This Sunday is 10.10.10. And at 10:10 in the morning it will be 10:10 10.10.10. And again at10:10 that night.". Collin,"Yeh, but the Germans don't seem to care at all." Ian," Not like last year when it was 9.9.9. They were all over that." You can't make this stuff up.

A Good Night's Sleep

Connor's teacher told him he needed good rest for exam week. I asked if he told her that he has a little brother that he shares a room with. He said,"No, I didn't want to dim her hopes."

Super Heros

On the way to school the kids were discussing what super heros they would be. Connor said that Ian would be Cat Man with the ability of always landing on his feet. I said he would shoot bad guys with his purr gun, "Purr! Purr!" Ian replied it would hit them "Purr Pound". Connor said,"No, they would be "Purrilyzed".

Honesty

"Collin, how long is it going to take you to stop stealing bread?". "Two hours."

August 20th 2010

I told Connor to brush his teeth. He said,"But I'm saving up my bad breath for Halloween!"

Here we go.

I have been sending emails to family and friends about the conversations I have with my 3 sons on the way to school in the morning.  The youngest, Collin, is in Kindergarten.  My middle child, Connor aka "the one we planned", is in Fourth Grade.  And the oldest, Ian, is in the Eighth Grade.

It is constantly amazing to me the wit they possess and the innocence that comes through.  Of course, I know that they are brilliant.  And I would be remiss to keep these gems to myself, so here goes. 

One of my favorites:

I was driving the three boys home one day when I was cut off by a car in front of me.  Being of limited vocabulary myself, I said "Watch it you Fucker!"  Collin, who at this time was about 3 said, "What Fucker, Daddy?"  To which Ian replied, "That Fucker in front of us."