Express Mail

When Ian was about 10, and Connor was 5 they were playing in the living room with a leftover box from Christmas.  I was in the kitchen fixing lunch when Ian came in and asked if we had any "Duck" tape. 

Me: Why?

Ian:  I just wanted to tape the box back together.

Me: Be careful with this.

About ten minutes later.

Ian:  Dad, do we have any stamps?

Me:  What do you need stamps for?

Ian:  I want to mail the box.

Me: That would take a lot of stamps, it's a big box.  Out of curiosity, what did you put in it?

Ian:  Nothing.

Me:  (Now in the living room) That's a heavy nothing.  Where's Connor?

(giggles come from inside the box)

Ian:  I was this close.

Oh Crud! The German Army

One evening when we had guests for dinner (John and his fiance-now bride Liz) Connor went into a one man show.  We had been discussing the play, The 39 Steps, and how the actors had switched roles so seamlessly.

Connor stands next to the table and starts:

'I need to hide'  (Connor is looking left, then right as he talks to himself)
'Come in.  Come in.'
'I don't have much time.'
'What have you done?'
'Oh crud!  The German army.  Do you have any secret hiding places?'
'Twenty-seven.'
'Great.'  Connor ducks under the table, then pops back up
'I haven't told you where they are though.'
'That's okay, I'll just go out the window.'

And then he sat back down.
Like the snail said when he was jumped in the alley by a turtle, "I don't know, it all happened so fast."

Jedi Mind Trick

Driving in the van when out of nowhere:

Collin:  Pinocchio was a Jedi.

Me: Was his nose his light saber?

Connor:  When he lied it got bigger.  'I'm not scared of you!' Bwoop.

Collin:  (imitating Pinocchio from Shrek) I'm a real Jedi!

Happy Bday

Yesterday was Connor's 11th Birthday.  We also had 11 inches of snow which closed the schools.  When he woke up and saw all the snow he said, " Well, I must have done something right because God gave me a day off from school for my birthday!"

Say Hello

Connor and Ian were taking out the trash, and I told Collin to get a new trash bag.

Collin," I hate getting a new trash bag."

Me," This is your chore.  Everybody has a chore."

Collin,"I don't want to get a trash bag."

Me," Ian had this chore, then Connor, and now you.  When you get older, you'll be taking out the trash."

Collin, "And then they (pointing to the other two) will be gone, and it will be time to say 'Hello to new children!'"

Pancakes

Ian, "Mom, can I make pancakes? We have a box that Grandma gave us."

Meg, "Sure, if you clean up the kitchen before you start and after you finish."

15 minutes later . . . .

Meg comes in the kitchen and Ian has dumped the entire box in a bowl and guessed at the right amount of water.

She gives him "the Look".

Ian,"What?  I'm hungry."  Eighty pancakes later . . . . .

Mysterious Noises

One Sunday morning after Meg and I had had some "grown up time", she emerged from our room to see Connor and Collin standing in the hallway with golf clubs, broad swords and plastic armor.

Meg, "What in the world are you guys doing?"

Connor, "We heard mysterious noises coming from your room."

Collin, " Yeh, we were getting ready to come save you from the bad guys!"

Here Comes Santa Clause

Connor, "Dad, can you turn on the Santa tracker? I want to see how close Santa is."

Me, "Why? Do you want to set a trap?"

Connor, "No. Maybe. What do you know?"

Driving through High Ridge

Christmas edition. Driving through High Ridge.

Meg, " Bluffs look good from down here, especially with all the ice and snow."

Me, "From the top they're not so bad either. The views nice".

Ian, "It's just your life flashing before your eyes on the way down that gets to you."

Tiger, Tiger

Bedtime.

Connor, "Hey Dad, Robyn(our cat) just greeted me when I crawled into bed with a big yawn."

Ian, "Naw, she was seeing how wide she could open her mouth when she got ready to eat you."

Heartless

Ian,"Last night while we were doing the Wizard of Oz, we didn't know what time it was because the Tin Man broke the clock."

Jocks

Ian,"We live on St Jaques, what was he the saint of?"

Me,"Something French?"

Connor," I'm thinking protective cups. Cups and quarterbacks."

Happy Birthday, Jesus

Ian,"December 8 is a holy day."

Me,"Which one?"

Ian,"The immaculate conception."

Connor,"Wow that was fast!"

Me,"What?"

Connor,"Jesus was born on the 25th!"

Ian,"I guess it really was immaculate."

Christmas Lights

Collin,"Dad, why do people have lights on their houses?"

Connor,"It's the most wonderful time of the year, apparently."

Glass Houses

We were leaving West County Mall admiring the glass office building across the street.

Ian, " If people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, what should they throw?"

Connor,"Sponges?"

Ian," I was thinking parties, but, okay."

Make the Trade!

Collin to Connor while playing Monopoly, "Give me a weenie, I want to slap you."

Career Choices

Connor asked Ian this morning, "which would you rather be a scientist that stares at red rocks all day or one that invents things that never work?". Makes you think.

Bedtime Story

Connor is in the top bunk, Collin is on bottom. Collin," You know Connor, if there is a storm, you are the first one that 's going to get it."

First Love

Collin, the 5 year old, has a crush on Sarah from his kindergarten class.

Collin - "Sometimes she punches me in the face. And sometimes she pushes me to the ground."

Meg - "Why do you like her?"

Collin-"Did you not hear me?"

What goes around

Ian is thinking about getting confirmed. He asked me if I believe in God. I told him that I used to, but, after he and his three brothers, I now believe in Karma.

Trick or Treat

"Trick or treat, smell my feet, give me something good to eat....OR FACE MY WRATH." - Connor.

This Date in History

Dinner conversation. Me,"This Sunday is 10.10.10. And at 10:10 in the morning it will be 10:10 10.10.10. And again at10:10 that night.". Collin,"Yeh, but the Germans don't seem to care at all." Ian," Not like last year when it was 9.9.9. They were all over that." You can't make this stuff up.

A Good Night's Sleep

Connor's teacher told him he needed good rest for exam week. I asked if he told her that he has a little brother that he shares a room with. He said,"No, I didn't want to dim her hopes."

Super Heros

On the way to school the kids were discussing what super heros they would be. Connor said that Ian would be Cat Man with the ability of always landing on his feet. I said he would shoot bad guys with his purr gun, "Purr! Purr!" Ian replied it would hit them "Purr Pound". Connor said,"No, they would be "Purrilyzed".

Honesty

"Collin, how long is it going to take you to stop stealing bread?". "Two hours."

August 20th 2010

I told Connor to brush his teeth. He said,"But I'm saving up my bad breath for Halloween!"

Here we go.

I have been sending emails to family and friends about the conversations I have with my 3 sons on the way to school in the morning.  The youngest, Collin, is in Kindergarten.  My middle child, Connor aka "the one we planned", is in Fourth Grade.  And the oldest, Ian, is in the Eighth Grade.

It is constantly amazing to me the wit they possess and the innocence that comes through.  Of course, I know that they are brilliant.  And I would be remiss to keep these gems to myself, so here goes. 

One of my favorites:

I was driving the three boys home one day when I was cut off by a car in front of me.  Being of limited vocabulary myself, I said "Watch it you Fucker!"  Collin, who at this time was about 3 said, "What Fucker, Daddy?"  To which Ian replied, "That Fucker in front of us."